No rest for the work-ed.

No time to post! Work is crazy busy... WITH MY BRAIN today....

more to come.... on your face!

Candy Mountin'

Look at those healthy chip alternatives.... It's sweet potato and beets... great thing about beet chips is that they have the texture of chips, but the staining ability of fresh beets! No toothbrush at work, so I'll eat them first, and hope the bread from my sandwich removes the pink from mah grin.

True story. We recently got a new suggestion box at the Dairy Farm. The first suggestion put in to it read "Why aren't there any pens next to the suggestion form in the box?" So far, the suggestion box has a 100% fix rate for people's questions.

There's currently a guess how many candies contest going on... now my Facebook friend recently won her company's guess the candy contest... I guess April is candy clairvoyancy month. He jar looked to be a foot tall filled with jelly beans. Typically to solve these problems I use Avogadro's theory from High School. 

I take about an inch vertically and the width of the bottle and count. Then I count the surface area of the bottom. Overall, trying to acheive the amount of average jelly beans per cubic inch of space within the jar. It typically comes close... but what the fuck am I going to do with a giant jar of jellybeans? 

At the dairy farm we have a jar that roughly looks like it holds about... oh... a quart. This jar is completely clear and contains mini Reese's cups and 2 1/2 Kit-Katnisses. I could just count the candy in it, but what the fuck am I going to do with a tiny jar of candy? 

Did you not see the healthiest fucking organic chips on Earth up there? Totally defeats the purpose. I am tempted to just write an entry for everyone here with the number on it, and then watch them divide up the candy in the jar amongst more people than candy. 

I bet you they'd have to split up those Kit-Katnisses.

Sorry about the lack of blogs, I somehow lost my security clearance at the dairy farm.... hey, never forget. Even the cows are at risk.

Let it go, or not. S'all good.

Yeah, that's some exciting lunch right there. All "organic" and "natural"... ugh...

I no longer have an interest in guns. I was a gun nut, and guns are fun... they're great if someone breaks into your home. If a person tries to rob you or threaten bodily injury, a gun will stop them. 

I have determined that the sword is superior. Yeah a gun will stop a person from hurting you, but what if it were a vampire, werewolf, or even highlander? A gun isn't doin' shit then, is it? Counterpoint that, NRA... ball is in your court. I suppose it would have to be made of silver though... which sucks against a human in a sword fight, but humans don't carry swords... except for me. 

I received an appointment in Outlook today. That's one of the joys of working at a Dairy Farm that has a desktop terminal in every stall and you're expected to check your email while you're getting your milk on. The appointment was entitled "Supervisor Conversation," as I applied to be KING OF COWS in my corral. I'm assuming that since it doesn't say interview it is a circle jerk meeting. 

I found a Quest bar in my lunch box... don't know where it came from, don't care. 

I'm hearing from some hard motherfuckers that Frozen is awesome. No one has had anything bad to say, and some of the ex-military around the farm are dick riding this movie. People who have things like a confirmed kill count. I might have to watch this thing... and I thought I had let it go.

UPDATE: Don't know if I mentioned it before, but that turtle from a prior blog... its clip art, I don't know if you can use clip art as a company mascot... I suppose its something to bring up after legal goes through the process of naming it and trademarking it. That's how I rustle.

Guh.... time to milk some teats. 

Gimme a break!

Sort of an odd day at the Dairy Farm. Maybe because its... #FuckThatFriday! 

Do you remember the movie "The Hidden?" Neither do I. It was brought to my attention today during the early milking... apparently it is about an alien that hops bodies and commits shittons of crime. I immediately thought of Fallen with Denzel Washington... but with aliens instead of ghosts.

So I took a moment to IMDB it, because it starred Kyle McLachlan and "some other guy." I stumbled upon THE BEST piece of movie trivia EVER while there. Apparently, Claudia Christiansen? That her name? I could look it up, but its #FuckThatFriday... She was in Babylon 5. The director of The Hidden found her breasts so unattractive, they had the wardrobe department focus around her ass. Don't believe me... check out IMDB. Another great tidbit... while on the set of another film, her prop gun blew up in her face and damaged her cornea. So she is now unable to fire a prop gun without looking away, and the prop gun sund effects have to be added in post production.

Remember in 90s when Steven Tyler made a soft core porno with his daughter and Alicia Silverstone? Now you do. Kind of creeoy. Then Alicia Silverstone went and got fingerblasted on a roller coaster by Mark Wahlberg? #WildHorses

Do you want to make Skynet? Take the Customer Service of Amazon, Apple's innovation, and Google's tech.... Boom. Done. You can thank anti-monopoly laws for preventing the end of mankind.

Now the REAL RUSTLE of the day.

Hunger Games is Divergent is Hunger Games. They're the exact same shit, but one is Louis Vuitton and the other is a 10 minute walk in New York Chinatown down a freight elevator through a plywood hallway you're going to die rape basement knock off. Here's how they're the same, and how one did it better.

1) The Ceremony. Katniss and Tris... Katniss volunteers to replace her sister in the Hunger Games cause her sister is going to get pwn'd. Tris picks Dauntless because she wants to be special. 

2) Dystopian Future. 12 poor districts joined together, having a hunger game to remind them of their life. Chicago.... 6 months from now. Totally fucked up, probably with a fence around it because it got too shitty and the hippies won't let us nuke it off of the US Map. 

Protip: The sequel to Divergent is being filmed in Atlanta. They're building a Chicago outside of Atlanta because of tax incentives. 

3) The Bad Guy. President Snow vs. Hillary Clinton. 

4) THE KRAVITZ. Each film contains a Kravitz. Lenny in Hunger Games and Zoe in Divergent. Both under utilized. Make my Dress! Tell me the Truth! The Candor house should have had Tolouse from Moulin Rouge dancing around in that Sitar costume. 

5) Katniss has sex appeal from start to finish. They start it at a 3 or 4 and ramp it up. Tris does not. She starts out boring... but its okay, because her sect doesn't dig vanity... I get that. Get to Dauntless... still boring.... get a tattoo... still boring.... wash your hair... still boring.... Have a nightmare about being raped by your boyfriend who is played by a 40 year old... SNOOZEFEST. Katniss is named after a Kit Kat bar, as in.... yeah, break me off a piece of that. Tris... Tris is on Amish Vacation waiting to go back to the farm.

Also.... someone did make a good point when were were talkin' movies today. In the Hunger Games, there's a little more diversity in the future. In Divergent... most of the minorities are shown in Amity. Amity finds joy in working the fields. #SlowClap. I don't remember it as much myself, I might have had a stray thought and not really taken in the 5 minutes Amity was on screen for.

And WHO IS DIVERGENT'S HEYMITCH? (Probably spelled incorrectly, I don't read these these books) 

6) Weapons. Katniss fucks shit up with a bow and arrow. Tris... Tris learns this punch-fu where you hold your arms up parallel to each other at a 45 degree angle and do this awkward fist slammy fightan. 

I only had like 3 points, but now I'm in super fire mode...

7) Katniss.... independent woman. She's deciding between 2 dudes. Making her own decisions... kicking ass and taking names. Tris can't do shit without Four. You would think as she's improving during her training and some dude try to kill her, she'd go beast mode and fuck up their shit. Nope, Four saves her ass. Oh, something may have happened and I might be the only one who can do something about it.... I hope Four's not compromised. Oh hey big bad guy, You're on hold, I need to check on Four. Katniss, "hey uh, yeah, make sure Peeta gets out. I got this shit." Oh, there's a revolution and Plutarch Heroin is leading it, let's blaze one. 

#FuckThatFriday I'm off to milk some cows.

What day is it?

SLUMP DAY!! Wait... that's not how that goes.... 

Alright, I got too busy at work to blog on Slump day, so we're skipping right into THURSDAY IS TERRIBLE...

Busiest week of work in the month, and I'm on down time. This could be a good omen, but how often are omens good? 

12:45 PM

That would be the splendor of today. That is the most REAL MAN jerky you'll ever find. We've made it to a point in marketing to where jerky is sold in a tobacco-esque pouch with Jack Daniels style lettering... this particular style is even numbered "No. 15." What was JD... old 57? I don't drink that shit, it makes me want to punch people... and I already want to punch people as I've had zero caffeine today. 

Which is why I procured a can of sweet sweet Rockstar. Due to the fact that I'm going to snap at all of the tomfoolery about.

Yelp is terrible. If you want to know if something is good, go check it out. If its terrible, NEVER go back. I hear that if you get a bad review on Yelp, that you can pay to have the comment removed... which kind of defeats the purpose of Yelp. 

2:46 PM

I saw an article on Reddit about a magazine ad where they used adhesive to put the two pages together. When you would pry it apart it read "If you have to use force, it's rape." Well, I've raped 2 doors, a packet of mustard, and my own ass today. (Protein only diet, ughhhh)

I need to start taking notes at my desk. I have all this stuff to write down later, that I don't. I end up forgetting about what it was I wanted to talk about for the blog about talking about the random things I think about while I'm looking into the abyss. Like that prior thing about the rape ad... that was leading to something, and I can't remember what it was... now I'm curious... what in the hell was it?

Was it about learning that Olympia Washington has an annual homemade porn festival held in a theatre which also serves tasty food stuffs and beverages containing alcohol? OH! Yeah...

Why is it I have never went full on ramjam with a woman while listening to Gustav Holst's "Die Planeten" suite? Well, not the suite... just Mars. I mean, the suite is about 45 minutes long, but that takes you on a journey with the different themes, plus, I think Pluto is still considered a planet in there. So just Mars... it's approx 7 minutes long... but hey, at least it isn't Mercury right? I was thinking that I haven't, mainly because, it would probably be awkward... Holst really isn't Teddy Pendergrass... then I thought that if I had an actual FULL ORCHESTRA performing the piece live, that it would be less awkward.

Then I flashed to that scene in American Psycho of Christian Bale hitting it from behind and then looking at himself in the mirror in that true narcissist fashion. 

This is a thing that we shall never speak of again.

A Game of Groans

You can tell by the way I eat my chicken, I'm back on the diet grind... ugh... Also, I did sploosh a mustard packet everywhere when I opened it. Then I licked it off of that finger... and subsequently, couldn't open the others.

So at the end of that Twilight experience... Breaking Dawn... part two... The theme song is the popular "A Thousand Years" which is getting plenty of radio play on "Office 10 something point something." Shit non-offensive contemporary rock 24/7. What's the deal? At 1000 years they kill themselves, or it becomes an open relationship... Day 365,000 rolls up and it's time to chuck up the deuces? Why am I trying to make sense of two things that suck?

In an effort to be more sensitive to the general public, while also remaining my wonderful self... I have decided to stop using the word cunt in regards to people. I am however, going to reference Game of Thrones and just ask them "Hey, what's the name of your sword again?"

Does this turtle look familiar? 

I SWEAR I have seen him before... it's our new safety mascot that we're supposed to name. I'm pretty sure he's plagarized... I'm voting Sal Monilla. 

Have you ever had the pleasure of reading "Who Moved My Cheese?" Have you ever just read it, pleasure aside? There's a message in there somewhere. If you aren't aware that not everything goes your way, it can be really eye opening. However, if at some point you've come to terms with disappointment and loss, or just GENERAL INCONVENIENCE... it's just tedious. It came to mind this morning when someone moved their 'Milikin' Seat' at the Dairy Farm this morning and there was an onslaught of sniff and scurry. 

Instead of naming turtles we should be naming swords.

I'd also like to take a moment to thank that High School girl who sang "What Does The Fox Say" during karaoke at 'The Bees.' Randomly I have TINK TINK TINK TINK TINKYTINK in my brain. 

Gah, back to work... Can it be Diablo 3 tiems nao?

Saturday Night's Alright... FOR DIABLO

WHOOOOOoooooooooo-oooooooooh!

So everything is coming up ME today. Why do people say that? It sounds bad after typing it. Like, I spend all week going "Gee, I got fucked in the ass today" or "Yeah, they're really givin' it to us as the ol' Dairy Farm." (Cause I work in a dairy farm, *wink*)

I wake up and perform my 2 week weigh in... and I'm down according to schedule. I'm down a couple inches here and there and making good progress. Fuck yeah. You know what, I'll eat like a normal human being today.

Fired up Diablo 3, 50% bonus XP weekend! That plus the gear I found last night gives me 125% on top of the standard. I also face rolled Torment III by myself for the first time, and it wasn't stressful.

J. Lo, one of the Podcats from the BraintrustMedia.org Game With Lame podcast, decided to take a nap, and use my gaming hand as a support pillow. That's how laid back my Torment III was this morning.

I had a sensible Egg, Salsa, and cheese burrito this morning... and if you spend 5 days eating 80% of your calories as protein only, when you eat HUMAN FOOD you feel high as hell. 

But enough about my morning, this is the Afternoon Dining and Discussion blog! So I pose this question to you:

I am a caucasian male living in the south. I am aware that this prevents me from using some terminology that is signature of the "hip-hop" culture. Can I sing along to Jigga What, or perform it at Karaoke?

Well, in doing a little research courtesy of RapGenius.com, No. No I cannot. I was thinking it was a conglomeration of Jay-Z and the N-bomb, like a play on the term. Apparently, the only time "Jigga What" was used is for editing say, the Unplugged album, or the Linkin' Park Mashup with Feint.

Ah yes, look at that lunch. Chicken salad with a side of sweet potato crisps! 

A couple of final... random thoughts. 1) I was thinking as I was using the men's urinal today... I wonder if I could spider climb the partitions to my left and right, and piss from 4 feet off the ground. Part of me thought it would be a good thing to try, however, I would have to go pants round ankles to manage the junk and the climbing... it would look 'tres awful' if the soor should open... plus, there's the possiblity that someone comes in and gets a face full of my ass. 

2) What's the oldest internet meme? I'm thinking that it was 'Duckjob.' I remember listening to it in the mid 90s... and it was a stand up comic doing the voice of Donald Duck getting blown. I recall a fair amount of people being familiar with it, but I want to say it was around before Youtube.

That's going to be a fun day. When one of your kids or grandkids asks you what life was like without Youtube for a school project. 

I see a diarama of... This is the world... it is a jungle. In the jungle live spiders.... and these spiders hang out on the 'Interwebs.' The fish, hang out in 'Pornstreams.' The spiders never actually get into the water, they just watch the streams, spinning their webs trying to imagine what fish taste like.

That got weird.

Sandwich time.

Harlem Friday

...and no, it isn't in regards to the "Harlem Shake."

We were talking about "Murda Ma$e" this morning, and being a fan of that thug jam back in the 90's I decided to take a trip down memory lane.

Now, they block all of the internet radio at work because of bandwidth on the ole internet. However, the workaround around the office is to just pull things up on Youtube. I found the ENTIRE album for Harlem World by Ma$e on Youtube, and got about half way through it before my break. 

If you're looking to desensitize yourself to the "N-word," you need to meet Ma$e. He is by far the world's slowest rapper. As the movie Rambo held (and possibly holds) the record for acts of violence per minute in a film, Ma$e must hold the record for use of the N-bomb in an album. I mean, the Grand Dragon of the KKK would take this man to the side at some point and say "Hey bro," (I assume he would use bro as in like... 'brother') "You uh... you should tone it down there" or maybe "Hey bro, uh... would you be interested in a job in the field of advertising? We can make an exception ot your disability..." 

I suppose the most horrifying aspect of this album is the intro... as they mention it being 1997. 

God damn I am old. When you're rapping about your 98 Tahoe being hot shit... I mean, we're 3 years away from that album being 20 years old. I use to bump this shit... quietly in my room. As if I were to play it from my car stereo in the wrong part of town as a 16 year old nerdo, I'd probably 'get fucked wit'"

If anything, you'll remember there was a time where Lil' Kim was hard. I kind of want Ma$e and Twista to do an album called "Tortise and Tha Hare." Even overlay the two rapping, and sync up occasional words at off points. It would be difficult, as I have no idea what happened to Twista, and Ma$e is bipolar about being "Murda Ma$e" and "Pastor Ma$e." 

Since everything is late, and I'm break crazy... let's talk about this other thing... The new song by Ke$ha and Pitbull... "Timber." I would like to make a wild proposal about what that song is really about. 

Picture if you will... a guy and a girl meeting at the club. There's old saying I remember from college, "A man goes out to the club wondering if he'll get laid; A woman goes knowing."

Have you ever heard that old urban legend about the woman who has HIV, knows it, and then makes it a point to spreas it around? To paraphrase: she goes out and meets a man, brings him back to the hotel, offers him a condom, he declines, they bang, and he wakes up hungover to "Welcome to the AIDS club" written on the mirror of the hotel room, and she's gone.

Enter the Ke$ha voiced character of the song... who wants to "Make it a night you won't remember" because you got so goddamn hammer drunk you blacked out around the song "Shots" and then she becomes "The one you won't forget," because now you're dealing with the HIV everyday. 

The celebration in the song, is "when it's goin' down." As if he's ramjam crazy and in her head, it's going down... I'm yelling timber, as the tree finally falls to the ground and you've probably contracted HIV.